sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
