So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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