I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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