I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
