I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
