I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
