Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
