You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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