Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize