Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can i not drive my cunt home
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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