i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
