you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
