I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Someone signed my nipple.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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