Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize