She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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