I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
