omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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