i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
