Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
