i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
