What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
