I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
