the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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