You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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