No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
