Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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