drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
