I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
