My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
