Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
