I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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