dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize