I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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