I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
