My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
