I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize