you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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