apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
