i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
