Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
