No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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