I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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