Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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