This is not my ceiling
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
