Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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