His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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