First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
