Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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