you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
