You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
