I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
