Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
