Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize