I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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