I cut my penus on the lid.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
