my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
