I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize