Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
