Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
