you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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