Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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